I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
