mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
