And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
