You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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