just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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