I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
