I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
