one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
