we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
