APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
