so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
