filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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