I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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