I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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