I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
