just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
