Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
