I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
