maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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