eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
