I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
