the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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