so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
