Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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