i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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