you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
