Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
