I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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