Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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