My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
