i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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