It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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