i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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