i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
