Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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