I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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