My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
