that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
even my farts smell like vagina
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
