There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
