You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
