why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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