if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
i think my cat just said my name.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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