Capitaan dildo arrescate!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
