mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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