you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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