I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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