I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
