The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
