I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
