You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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