I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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